Mother's Day and All the Feels
Anne Lamott has a Ted Talk called 12 Truths I Learned From Life and Writing. It's phenomenal. Her first lesson is this:
"The first and truest thing is that all truth is a paradox. Life is both a precious unfathomably beautiful gift and it's impossible here on the incarnational side of things.It's been a very bad match for those of us who are born extremely sensitive. It's so hard and weird that we sometimes wonder if we're being punked. It's filled simultaneously with heartbreaking sweetness and beauty, desperate poverty, floods and babies and acne and Mozart. All swirled together. I don't think it's an ideal system."
It's so true. I am realizing that I am a very sensitive person. I feel everything. Sometimes all at once. And today has been just that. A day of ALL the feels.
It's Mother's Day.
I usually get sad on Mother's Day. I naturally think of my mama who has been gone for 16 years now. I miss her so much and it's always hard for me to look on social media and see everyone post happy photos with their moms when the last photo I have with mine is when I was 12.
This morning, I didn't think about my mom right away. In fact I woke up quite happy. Until a different kind of sadness came over me. I felt so lonely. My house was quiet. I felt an emptiness inside my heart as the emptiness of the house closed in on me. I wish so badly to have a home filled with laughter and lots of children and love. I have no one. No husband. No children. Nothing.
It was the first Mother's Day I've ever been sad because I'm not a mom... It's weird, I know. And a lot of people may think I'm crazy. But it's all I've ever wanted. My entire life. And now it seems like the further away than ever before.
This led me then to think of how I'm almost 30 and have no children. My mom had me at 27 and my sisters at 30. My mama.... Then came ALL the thoughts about my mama. Shit, I miss everything about her. I miss the way she looked at me. She loved me so damn much. No one has ever loved me like she did. I was the one to first make her a mommy. At this point, I lost it. I'm ugly crying my eyes out at 9:30am. I had every intention of going to church, but I knew the tears wouldn't stop.
Until finally I got it together to text one of my sweetest friends, Allie, who just became a mom last night. It was her first Mother's Day. I felt a genuine happiness for her! She responded to my text telling me that I could come meet her sweet newborn. So I cleaned up my face and headed that way.
And all feeling flipped in the opposite way. There is just nothing more magical that holding a newborn baby! Brock. He's absolutely perfect. My gorgeous friend, this super amazing woman, is now a MOM! Holy emotions. Happiness, joy, thankfulness, overwhelming awe at how Allie brought a baby into this world, and imagining how much love she and Andrew are feeling right now for a human that they just met. And Brock's perfection, innocence, and beauty. It's all too much.
And then my phone call with my aunt/mom, who took me in as a teenager. She's like a mom to me even though we've had so many challenges, ups and downs. There's a love there that's only ours. It's amazing how something so imperfect can be perfect in it's own way as it tells the story of God's desire for restoration and His design for family. I'm so thankful for this special relationship.
So here I sit. Feeling literally all the feels. Sad, happy, reminiscing, waiting, hoping, thanking, amazement, and desperately praying. It's all I can do. To pray through my tears. I don't need any words. God knows all these crazy thoughts and emotions. He's the one that made me this sensitive way. Thanks a lot God.... totally kidding, it's okay. If I didn't feel all the lows so deeply, I may not feel the highs as brightly. And that's worth it. Just an emotional roller coaster of a day.