The Pain Just Changes- 16 Years After Mama's Death
NOTE: This blog was written in July 2017, before launching my new blog The Loveliest Balance. I deleted most of my old blogs because I was starting over completely and needed clean space to do so. However, the ones I chose to keep were very near to my heart at the time and still have great importance to me. So you can peek into the old Mel and see how that has shaped who I am now and The Loveliest Balance.
This blog specifically is so special. Each year, my mom's death anniversary is so hard. But I feel like I always learn a beautiful new lesson or experience a special moment. I love writing those down so I can go back to them. And maybe these blogs can be there for someone else who feels the pain of loss. That would mean so much to me if it could speak to someone else's broken heart.
Earlier this year, I was talking to a friend who was approaching the one year death anniversary of her father. I knew that she must have been experiencing so many hard emotions all at once. I remember when the first anniversary of my mom's death happened back in 2002. It was terrible.
So trying to be a good friend, I reached out to this woman and told her that I was thinking of her.
And that was all I could really say.
I was at a loss for words.
I wanted desperately to tell her that time heals all wounds that that the pain would be less and less with each passing year. At the time, I had lived 15 years since losing my mom. Surely this should be something that I can say from personal experience.
But then I realized that I'd be telling a lie if I said that to her.
Time doesn't heal all wounds. And the pain doesn't go away.
It's so strange to think that as the years go by, I do see God's plan in my mom's death and I feel more at peace doing this life without her. But the pain never goes away. It just comes in different forms.
I've been experiencing a new pain in moments of missing my mom. The pain of realizing that we'd be best friends if she was still here.
As I've grown into a woman, I'm becoming who I am. And I think that who I am would have gotten along so great with who my mom was. I am SO much like her. I am so thankful that I got her fun-loving attitude and excitement for life. I share the same adventurous spirit and desire to love people in a big way. I tend to be a little reckless occasionally, but come back to what matters most, just like she did. I've heard countless stories about my mom when she was my age, and oh man... we would have been such pals.
It's been so hard lately not having her around. I imagine what life with her would be like. I wish she was here.
I wish I could talk to her about my boyfriend. I wish I could have a drink with her on the front porch. I with I could go to festivals and live music events with her. I wish I could go shopping with her. I wish she could help me decorate my new house. I wish I could raid her closet. I wish we could go to movies together and sneak in tons of candy like we used to when I was a kid.
I just want to do life with her now. As a 28 year old who would be friends with her mom.
It doesn't get easier... I'm sure when I'm in my early 30's I'll wish she was at my wedding. I'm sure when I'm 35 and have children, it will be a new pain of wishing my children had her around to be the fun, goofy, spoiling, and sassy grandma. I'm sure when I'm 60 I'll wish she was around to watch me become a grandma as she becomes great-grandma. I'm sure I'll always wish she was here.
It's been 16 years since my mom has passed away. Some days I miss her so much it hurts. And that pain will just continue to shift and take new forms as life goes. But I know that there is no pain in heaven and that I'll see her again there one day. And that provides so much peace. Even if I feel pain, I can have peace. And I'm thankful for that.
Recently, I moved into a new place. I went through some boxes I had in storage and found a dress that belonged to my mom. It smelled like something I didn't recognize- her scent. I took it in as I made a mental note of what she must have smelled like. And then I put it on. Wow, my mom and I could have shared clothes. Literally, we are the exact same size. I remember her wearing this dress all the time. And now, it's mine, and I get to rock my vintage 90's dress and think of my mama when I wear it. It was like a hug from God to receive such a gift.
As time goes on, I'll keep praying for more peace and understanding as I experience the pain of missing her. I know that God is good and that helps a lot. That's the only true encouragement that I could give this friend of mine. And to anyone else who has ever experienced loss. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. Even as the pain changes.